All women’s names have been changed, to allow them to speak about their experiences without fear or reprisal
She stood behind the bar, wine key in hand, forcing a smile as her colleague leaned too close with his hand pressing into her back. The other customers watched, glasses raised, expecting the show to go on. In hospitality, there’s an unspoken rule: the performance never stops, no matter what’s happening behind the curtain.
For many women sommeliers, this isn’t an isolated encounter — it’s the backdrop of daily life in the industry.
“He kept asking me to ‘help him with inventory’ in the wine cellar,” said Maria (not her real name), a server at an upscale restaurant. “Always after closing, always just the two of us.” She described the encounters as “too close for comfort,” paired with personal questions about what she was doing afterward.
Unlike corporate offices, hospitality leaves little room to retreat. “In corporate, you complain to HR, sit at your desk, and avoid that person throughout the day,” explained Sarah, a sommelier with eight years of experience. “In hospitality, you’re passing your floor manager 50–100 times a night, face to face. You complain and don’t get a resolution? You’re looking at the longest walks to your tables, worse tips, and the worst sections.”
“The dynamic creates unique psychological pressure,” said Lisa, another server. “It’s almost like being on a movie set every day — the show must go on, and you’re expected to perform no matter what’s been done to you.”
According to the Restaurant Opportunities Center United, nine in ten women in hospitality in the United States have been sexually harassed on the job. Nine out of ten! As if it needs any more emphasis, that’s nearly double the rate of other industries in the U.S, according to The Spirits Business.
According to a 2023 survey of 726 women in the UK wine industry, over three-quarters of women reported experiencing sexism and gender bias, with 44% seriously considering leaving the industry altogether.
These widespread statistics represent a hemorrhaging of talent that the industry can no longer afford to ignore.
These numbers only confirm what countless women already know: the pressure to stay quiet often outweighs the risk of speaking up.
Through years of consulting across industries, including hospitality, I’ve seen this delicate dance play out in many forms. The culture prizes perfection and resilience, yet doesn’t always give people, especially women, a safe way to speak up. Often, the pressures are navigated in silence.
While these issues exist across most industries, the challenges in hospitality are even more acute. They’re often subtle but constant: being left out of key conversations, getting stuck with low-priority tasks or diminished tips from poor assignments. Speaking up can mean being labeled “difficult” or “not a team player.” In some cases, losing your job.
And having navigated these moments myself, I know the tension. Pushing back risks opportunity. Staying quiet erodes trust. And to be clear, these dynamics aren’t always created by men — but that’s a story for another time.
But the calculation of “what will this cost me?” is one many women in hospitality face daily.
In such a close-knit industry, where advancement often depends on tastings, competitions, and networking dinners, the line between professional opportunity and personal discomfort is blurred. Dinner invitations that feel less like mentoring and more like courting, comments about how a woman defines tastes, or describes the wine in general aren’t just awkward moments, they carry potential career consequences.
Melissa told me this story by way of example of female sommeliers’ vulnerability, about how her hands went cold as a hotel door closed behind her. The “exclusive tasting” she’d been promised was meant to be a career-making opportunity to sample rare vintages with industry leaders.
The reality was a man in a bathrobe.
She quickly calculated the costs of lost opportunity if she walked away, the damage to her reputation if she “overreacted,” and the whispered conversations that would follow. While some may have just turned and walked out, she flipped the script. When the man dropped his robe and appeared in just his boxers, she responded calmly: “Go get dressed and we’ll chat while we set up the tasting. I’ll call my boyfriend to let him know the timing and the address for pickup.”
Her quick pivot forced the situation back into professional territory. But she later reflected, “I’ve watched talented women leave the industry rather than play this cat-and-mouse game.”
Melissa, categorically, isn’t alone.
Amanda thought she’d hit the jackpot when she was assigned to the VIP dining room at an upscale restaurant — better tips, prestigious clients, career advancement.
“The VIP room was more isolated, fewer staff around to witness anything,” she explained. “That’s when I realized it wasn’t a promotion, it was a strategic placement.”
The customers were emboldened by the privacy and their spending. “One regular told me, ‘I’m spending $500 on wine tonight, smile more.” When I maintained professional boundaries, he complained I was ‘ruining his experience’.”
She complained and was told “these were important customers and I needed to be accommodating.”
She lasted six months before requesting a transfer back to the main dining room. “I realized the VIP room wasn’t about my skills as a sommelier. It was about being young, attractive, and isolated with customers who felt entitled to more than wine service.”
Other female sommeliers, like Rachel, describe repeated touches and multiple dinner invitations from colleagues: “A flirty grab of the hand, inappropriate comments or a kiss on the face might seem casual in hospitality, but often it crosses a line. It became constant and uncomfortable.”
When she raised the issue with management, nothing changed. However, within weeks, her table sections were reassigned and her career at the restaurant quietly unraveled.
Multiple women describe being offered prestigious wine trips, exclusive tastings, or coveted certifications — but at a price. One man “told me about this incredible harvest experience in Burgundy,” recalled Jennifer, a sommelier with five years in the industry. “Said he could ‘put in a word’ if I joined him for a private dinner first. When I declined, the opportunity mysteriously disappeared.”
As a New York Times article in October 2020 pointed out, this dynamic is particularly acute in elite wine circles where access to “educational trips to wine regions” and career advancement opportunities are controlled by senior professionals who are almost invariably men.
But Anna-Christina Cabrales, Tasting Director and France Reviewer for Wine Enthusiast, represents the change that’s possible when the industry evolves.
“When I first entered the wine world, there weren’t many mentors for me to turn to, so I had to navigate and carve my own path,” she reflects. “Through Wine Unify and the Bâtonnage Forum, I’ve seen how powerful it is to have a community that not only offers education and resources but also gives people a real sense of belonging. These platforms are helping people see themselves reflected in an industry that hasn’t always felt inclusive.”
Her optimism underscores momentum building in the industry. But progress is uneven, and traditional systems often fall short.
She points out: “There are more women and BIPOC entering hospitality and wine today, and conversations around equity are louder. But real change is about pathways for growth, diverse voices in leadership, and ensuring inclusivity isn’t just a program but part of the culture.
“I’m encouraged, but too often women and minorities need to prove themselves twice over. Ultimately, I hope we can work towards building a community where everyone feels supported, respected, and able to thrive, not just survive.”
The fact that hospitality is by definition about expressing friendliness and fostering an environment of warmth and intimacy complicates things further. Not every comment or gesture is ill-intentioned. Not every act is an act of sexual aggression. And yes, some people see offenses in everything and that isn’t fair or accurate either. But where boundaries aren’t respected at all, and when speaking up is unsafe, the distinction stops mattering.
Traditional HR systems often miss this nuance. They focus on compliance, not context. When someone reports repeated solo dinner invites, it’s treated strictly as harassment without considering that in the sommelier culture business often unfolds over meals. But there’s a difference between discussing wine programs over a meal and being asked to attend dinners intended as a date. This gap in context maroons many employees between silence and stigma.
Forward-thinking hospitality groups recognize that psychological safety isn’t about stripping away warmth or personality; it’s about ensuring honesty doesn’t cost jobs or careers. Carlos Suarez, founder of Casa Nela Restaurant Group in New York, and beverage director John Drewniany exemplify this new approach.
“I always hear any employee out — and our managers feel the same,” John explains. “We work hard to foster safety, openness, and comfort, whether that’s through regular check-ins or making time to listen. At the end of the day, we want our teams to be proud to work here, and to feel seen and heard.”
Carlos puts it simply: “For me, leadership is about helping people thrive. If our employees feel supported and valued, they’ll stay with us — and that energy flows directly to our guests.”
Their approach reflects a new trend across hospitality — immediate-response protocols, cultural-sensitivity training, and third-party reporting systems that reduce fear of retaliation. Some groups are partnering with communication strategists who can bridge the gap between legal compliance and real cultural change.
Turning a blind eye has long governed hospitality but it doesn’t have to. Each time someone speaks up, each leader who listens instead of dismissing complaints rewrites the industry’s script. Sommeliers, servers, and hospitality professionals deserve the chance to grow their skills and careers without it being transactional.
As someone who works with organizations on internal communications, I believe hospitality has a unique opportunity to rewrite not just policies but restaurant culture.
And to make sure silence is never a necessary choice.
Alana Sorrentino is a communications and brand strategy expert, and founder of Premier Impacts premierimpacts.com
To reach Alana: alana@premierimpacts.com