Nine countries are known to possess nuclear weapons: the United States, Russia, China, France, the United Kingdom, Pakistan, India, Israel, and North Korea. If you have watched the latest Mission Impossible film, Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning, you will know that it is ONLY Tom Cruise that can save us all from AI taking over the nukes. He mentions it multiple times during the film, and so does everyone else. Only in Tom we trust.
If we are still alive in “two weeks” (the favorite timeline of the Trump administration) then you will have more time to travel. But if not, well then, hop to it. Essentially, all atomic bombs are nuclear bombs, but not all nuclear bombs are atomic bombs. So where are they, and can we visit?
USA
It is estimated that the United States has a total of 5177 nuclear warheads. They remain the only country to have actually used them in combat (Hiroshima and Nagasaki). There are a few places, like certain Air Force Bases, submarine bases, and the Pantex Plant in Texas (plus a few locations in Europe actually, including Belgium and Germany) where you can see them.
Now, unless you have a friend in the military who can take you on a special permission tour of a base (yes I have done that, and yes you need a passport –- they do a quick background check) – you are out of luck. So my suggestion, head to Amarillo, Texas — the closest town to the Pantex Plant and hang out with locals. You might even have your own “Silkwood” Meryl Streep-Cher script in development… Hit my favorite dive bar, The Broken Spoke — and see what intel you can gather. And who you can meet, and befriend…
Russia
Ugh, it’s a slightly annoying moment right now to visit Russia, because you basically have to skirt the sanctions (even though I support them of course) and fly via Istanbul or Dubai. But let’s not blame Russians for the war that its autocratic leader/dictator/President for life continues to fight. What will alarm you is that Russia possesses a total of 5,459 nuclear warheads as of today, the largest confirmed stockpile of in the world. And no, that does not make them easier to visit.
Russia has nuclear missile fields in Kozelsk, Tatishchevo, Uzhur, Dombarovsky, Kartalay, and Aleysk. Sort of all out of the way to even go near. And they don’t exactly do guided tours. And they’re a bit jumpy these days, what with Ukranian drones and all that.
So forget it, maybe settle for Saint Petersburg and something glorious to eat –- it’s exhausting having to visit all these nuclear countries! My grandmother is from there, and it’s gorgeous, easily the most beautiful city in Russia. My favorite restaurant is Banshiki and it’s full of nostalgia for me. They are focused on a modern interpretation of traditional Russian dishes. Bliss.
What nuclear war? More Suluguni cheese grilled over charcoal with homemade adjika sauce, please!
China
Good old Mao Zedong referred to nuclear weapons as a “paper tiger” – and he meant that they would not determine the outcome of a war, but were really just to scare and coerce. Ok Mao, you know best. But oh dear, a recent report estimates that China now has at least 600 nuclear warheads, with around 100 per year being added to the stockpile since 2023.
Of course, the Chinese are good at amassing. They are just so good like this! Plus all of the warheads are considered ready for use, with 24 reportedly deployed. Sigh. The same report also says hundreds of facilities for intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBM), long-range missiles are being built in desert fields in the north of China, plus they have ICBM silos in the mountains on the eastern side of China. Wait, where? So we know the eastern side of China has several prominent mountain ranges, including the Changbai Mountains, the Qin Mountains, and the Wuyi Mountains. I guess we can go hiking and see what we find? I hate hiking, but to seek nuclear weapons? Sure, why not.
France
Do they really count? France did, under the government of Charles de Gaulle, independently develop a nuclear weapon in 1960. But seriously? Everyone is on strike as we speak, I doubt they’ll get on this fast enough. Where is Macron anyway? Cannes for something with his gorgeous wife?
Although, France did decide not to sign the UN treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons…. And French law requires at least “one out of four nuclear submarines to be on patrol in the Atlantic Ocean” at any given time. Seems like far too much work to go find them in the ocean. So instead, why not visit a little part of France you’ve never been to –- maybe you will find the other three in port? Oooh, I have just the place, Camargue in the wild south (as my friend Alexis Steinman wrote) where you can roam with cowboys and flamingos.
U.K.
Same as France, they also have a nuclear submarine constantly patrolling in the Atlantic Ocean. But I have much better plans for your visit to the U.K: Scotland, where they are hiding them, of course.
Since 1998, when the UK decommissioned its tactical WE 177 bombs, the Trident has been the only operational nuclear weapons system in British service. The delivery system consists of four Vanguard-class submarines based at HMNB Clyde in Scotland (the navy headquarters). And let me tell you, it’s gorgeous there. Right on Gare Loch. So I would suggest you call Tilda Swinton (you always need a local to guide on Scotch Whisky and haggis) and you pack a picnic basket, some lovely blankets and head to Meikle Rahane, not so far from Glasgow. Rahane is a clachan in Argyll and Bute, on the west bank of the Gare Loch in the Rosneath peninsula — and the views of the naval base are phenomenal. Stay at the Knockderry Lodge, which is an absolutely spectacular hotel, or the Cameron House, which is “eco-certified”, which, if the apocalypse is delayed, has more meaning than if it is not.
India
India is estimated to possess approximately 180 nuclear warheads, and has land-based, sea-based and air-launch nuclear capabilities. That seems a lot of ground to cover. Plus, which is most frustrating for this purpose, but India maintains an extra super-secretive nuclear weapons program! The cheek. So their storage locations likely spread across various sites, including those related to its nuclear energy infrastructure and military installations.
So what are we to do? Well, I guess we can snoop. And a great place to start is the Indira Gandhi Centre for Atomic Research, in Edaiyur, Tamil Nadu. Note they are closed on Saturdays and Sundays. It’s a government office so I guess you will need to come up with a sexy backstory to get in there, first prize is an unsplit atom if you manage to get in!
Israel (undeclared, sort of)
I mean Israel is the size of New Jersey, so I feel like you could find it if you have free time this weekend? Although they are evacuating people at the moment and the State Department is saying don’t go right now (honestly, why? This is what comes of a society built on kids having to wear helmets to ride their bikes to the end of the driveway!)
But seriously, we have a goal in mind and we still have two more weeks. And they’re Trump weeks — those go on forever! So off we go.
But what we do know in the meantime. Israel is widely believed to possess nuclear weapons, though it maintains a “policy of ambiguity,” neither confirming nor denying their existence. The primary location for their nuclear program is the Negev Nuclear Research Center in Dimona. This facility, located in the Negev desert, is where plutonium production and weapons-related infrastructure are housed. And let me tell you, I love it there.
The Negev is gorgeous –- it’s a sizable desert region in the southern part of the country. Its main city is called Be’er Sheva and they have a fantastic museum, the Negev Museum of Art, with lots of contemporary Israeli and international exhibitions. Oh and since you’re there, don’t miss this great cultural center, the Abraham’s Well International Visitor’s Center, built on the presumed site of the well Abraham dug in the Bible. It has all kinds of interesting exhibitions, including ones in 3D — very nuclear age! — on the story of Abraham. Oh yes and on the eastern side of the city is Tel Be’er Sheva which is a prehistoric settlement mound with ruins, plus they have a lookout tower with forever views.
I mean, on reflection, it will be hard to be safe when you go, bit of a bullseye destination right now. So maybe don’t. You’re forgiven for missing this one.
North Korea
What a pain to travel to. And Americans are generally prohibited from traveling to North Korea, Kim and Trump’s love letters notwithstanding. The Department of State has a travel ban in place, preventing U.S. citizens from entering North Korea for tourism “unless they have a special validation for specific reasons, such as professional journalism or humanitarian missions.” Just turning up with a bag of crisps might qualify as a “humanitarian mission.”
Ha, my South African passport is coming in so handy for this. I suggest using Koryo Tours. But truly Kimmi changes his mind all the time –- so who knows what it will be this week. They have been slowly easing restrictions since early 2020, with a brief period of allowing some foreign tourists, including Westerners, into the Rason area in early 2025. However, this was then quickly reversed, and the border was closed again just weeks later.
But call Koryo, they will help. Ask them about getting to Yongbyon –- it’s where they have their clandestine nuclear weapons development program, and where the plutonium-producing Magnox nuclear reactor is actually located.
I would say check Google Maps, but fuckit, it is blocked again…
Pakistan
Rumor is that Pakistan’s nuclear arsenal is around 200 right now. The Pakistan Nuclear Weapons Program began in the early 1970s, spurred by regional tensions, particularly following India’s nuclear testing around the same time. Pakistan is not a party to the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT) or any of its provisions. (That doesn’t sound good…)
Pakistan’s uranium infrastructure is based on the use of gas centrifuges to produce Highly Enriched Uranium (HEU) at the Khan Research Laboratories (KRL) at Kahuta, in the Rawalpindi District of Punjab. And I love this whole area — the foothills of the Himalayas. I have spent time in Islamabad, and this is just southeast of there. Anyway, whilst you’re visiting, definitely read all about the clandestine (yes I am using that word a lot) operation to destroy this site! Unfortunately it seems KRL is not generally open to the public. According to the internet it is “a federally funded research and development facility primarily focused on nuclear technology and related scientific research”. While it has a 350-bed hospital for employees and the public, the main research labs are not accessible for general visitation — which, of course, gives me a bright idea (if you’re following?).
I shall leave you to figure this one out yourself.
Iran (do they or don’t they is just part of the fun!)
All my Persian friends are fleeing Tehran right now and it sounds scary there. But luckily Isfahan is suspected of being the primary location for Iran’s secret nuclear weapon development program. It’s in central Iran and is known for its Persian architecture.
The second worst part of bombing Iran, after the obvious loss of life, is the loss of all this gorgeous history. In fact, Isfahan has this sumptuous Persian-Muslim architecture, plus stunning grand boulevards, palaces I -– and you — would give anything to move into. And, as you’d expect, exquisite tiled mosques and minarets. Can they just not bomb it please? Come on.
Then there is also Iran’s until-very-recently, as in hours ago, most heavily fortified nuclear site, Fordo, built into the base of a mountain, in the province of Qom, which is named after the Holy Shia city of Qom. Let’s not go there.
So perhaps they don’t have a bomb yet. But they have the right amount of uranium enriched to 60% – which by the way is very expensive and makes no sense for any peaceful uses.
There are also “former” nuclear bomb States you may want to check out, if you still have the energy. Just in case they lied and still have them…
South Africa
My home country! I would be surprised if they did manage to get this organized and under wraps. But you know South Africa never ceases to surprise me (oh, we side with Russia, oh. we helped Iran, and, and, and…).
In February 2019, South Africa ratified the Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons, becoming the first country to have had nuclear weapons, disarmed them, and gone on to sign the treaty. So the main nuclear research center in South Africa is in Pelindaba (“Pelile Ndaba” is Zulu for “end of story”) and is run by the South African Nuclear Energy Corporation. It is actually very close to my place of birth, just about 22 miles west of Pretoria, south-east of the Hartbeespoort Dam. Now let me tell you, Pretoria is a sleeper city. A dishy city with some gracious old architecture, significant historical sites and ease of access to South African culture and safari, prosperous leafy suburbs, and wide streets lined with jacaranda trees. It’s also the administrative capital of South Africa. And it’s actually quite stunning, with the Apies River (I fell into it as a child, but that’s another story) and extends eastward into the foothills of the Magaliesberg mountains.
Belarus
Let’s be clear and sober about this: The deployment of Russian tactical nuclear weapons in Belarus has heightened military tensions in the region and increases the risks of military escalation.
But, wait, I thought they gave up their weapons, no? Well, it turns out Belarus has dozens of Russian nuclear weapons and is ready for its newest missile, its authoritarian President Alexander Lukashenko said last year.
Visiting Belarus currently carries significant risks and is not advised by many governments due to the nearby ongoing war in Ukraine and its impact on the region. According to our droll State Department, “travelers should be aware of potential security concerns, limited flight options, and the possibility of being denied entry, even if they meet entry requirements.” Well, they probably just don’t want us seeing their nukes!
If we do get in, I will certainly take you to Mir Castle, it’s a UNESCO World Heritage Site and a magnificent medieval fortress. Also I did love the people, they are so friendly.
Kazakhstan
Kazakhstan, which, unwittingly, gave us Borat, is the number one country in the world for uranium production volumes, which is used for nuclear fuel. But does that mean they have a nuke? A bomb perhaps? Officially “Kazakhstan possesses no nuclear weapons.” But they formerly had 1,410 Soviet strategic nuclear warheads placed on its territory and an undisclosed number of tactical nuclear weapons. Plus one of the Soviet Union’s two major nuclear test sites was located at Semipalatinsk, where at least 460 nuclear tests took place. Where there is smoke — or a mushroom cloud — is there not fire?
Now, speaking of the Semipalatinsk Test Site or as the people in the biz call it “Semipalatinsk-21 (also known as “The Polygon” but that’s less exciting anyway) it was the primary testing venue for the Soviet Union’s nuclear weapons. It is located in Zhanasemey District in the Abai Region, south of the valley of the Irtysh River. I mean. we could totally get into a 4×4 and drive out there. I love the countryside. In the meantime, try reading The Dead Lake by Hamid Ismailov, as it explores the effects of the nuclear tests on Kazakhs. ,
Ukraine
Would we be in the mess we’re in if they did have one? Well, who knows. So, officially, they say that Ukraine does not possess nuclear weapons. Ukraine had 1,900 Soviet strategic nuclear warheads and between 2,650 and 4,200 Soviet tactical nuclear weapons deployed on its territory at the time of independence in 1991. Fascinating. In fact, Ukraine agreed to transfer its nuclear warheads to Russia and accepted U.S. assistance in dismantling missiles, bombers, and nuclear infrastructure. What? I don’t think I knew this. I guess that’s why Ukrainian leaders have declared the need for either NATO membership or possession of nuclear weapons for security from Russia.
Whilst they figure this out and get back to us we should absolutely visit Kiev. One of my favorite places on the globe is there – the Ostannya Barykada restaurant, also known as the “Last Barricade.” Yes, it’s in a dingy dungeon kind of space under the town square (safe from bombs!) and, yes, there is a cage you can hop into. It’s absolutely sexual. But also, the food is fantastic. Order the classic borscht and varenyky.
Actually, strange themed restaurants in Lyiv, in Ukraine, are a thing.
I’ll say less and just meet you there. Boritesya – poborete!