THE MERCHANTS OF VENICE

 

 

The Duke cannot deny the course of law,

 For the commodity that strangers have

 With us in Venice, if it be denied,

 Will much impeach the justice of the state,

 Since that the trade and profit of the city

 Consisteth of all nations. Therefore go. 

 

Antonio, in the Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare

 

 

 

Heading to Venezia this weekend? Bezos-Sanchez wedding be damned. You will have a fantastic time whether you’re going to the nuptials, crashing it, or avoiding it all together. 

 

Oh, for those you missed the news –– or don’t care — Amazon founder and space cadet Jeff Bezos and Emmy-winning journalist Lauren Sanchez are having a destination wedding in Venice (Italy, not any other Venice) this weekend. So you could say that in a jungle of choices Lauren chose Amazon?

 

 

 

 

In fact I myself will be in Venice this weekend. I love that place. Although let me tell you, my plans are being slightly overrun by all these closures, plus extra boats –- and never have I seen so many minion assistants running around. Did everyone come early? I was trying to order an espresso this morning and I heard an American accent asking where the Starbucks is. What hope is left for Venice? Italy? Humanity? 

 

And then ran into the most famous guest they invited –- I am not telling you who it was –- who told me that by some estimates, the cost for the whole shindig may have run Bezos a small, and easy to make up with Prime delivery, $22 million. Gossipy pre-wedding fun for everyone. This is why everyone’s here. 

 

But no fret. I’ve got you. Venice is still yours. 

 

Venice is a city for dreamers — a city for LOVERS. Although judging lovers, Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez, by their pre-teen foam pre-party on his gazillion dollar yacht — it ain’t that sexy

 

And in Venice, I know how to get deep into loving life. 

 

If you have a fear of water, or boats, well maybe Venice isn’t for you. The city of canals has over 150 of them. And these small and big canals (along with bridges) form the unique network that navigates the city. The most famous and largest is the Grand Canal, which effectively splits the city in two. And if you want to get into Venice, well, you need to get into a boat (don’t swim, it’s disgusting). They have a gondola if you want to absolutely overpay and feel like a tourist, or you can rent a private boat (if you want to absolutely overpay but feel like a Bezos wedding guest or a sensible tourist), or you can hop the “vaporetto”, which is a water bus service — if you want to feel like a person of the people and pay nothing much. 

 

But to the water we must go. 

 

 

 

 

Back to the Grand Canal. It’s a sort of S-shaped waterway winding through the city, and it dates back to the 5th century. At first it was more of a natural lagoon and then evolved into an artery for trade and movement. Over all this time it has been dredged, widened and now lined with grand palaces. Some of these palaces are majestic hotels and others are owned by Italian “aristocracy.” Yes you read that correctly, they used to have a royal situation in Italy, but no longer, but it is hilarious that you can now “hire” these aristocrats (meaning they had some regal blue blood generations ago) for a few thousand dollars to come to your party or event. 

 

You need to go hang out with some locals to get this gossip straight from them — around the Gallerie dell’Accademia area is good for that kind of thing. 

 

 

 

 

Speaking of. Rumor is that Madam I-went-to-space-to-cosplay-I’m-a-feminist Lauren Sanchez is looking for more eligible bachelors for her lavish, we-rented-out-Venice wedding. I do believe the Kardashian Klan are all heading over — fluffed cuffed muffed. Maybe they have friends to bring along for you Lauren? Or she can just hire some “aristocats.” I did hear Orlando Bloom is coming as “a single man”, without Katy Perry. 

 

Actually, I am sure Baron Trump, who the NY Post’s Page Six calls “the most eligible” can put down his gamer things and hop a government-paid-for flight for Venice? But hey, I don’t know how Lauren rolls. Does she need them to be good looking? Single or at least free to mingle I assume. Gay? Trans (what do they think of equal rights, do we know)? Rich? Oligarchy-adjacent? She’s Florida royalty. So it’s hard to gauge. 

 

Like I said, I am already in Venice this weekend actually — I don’t need a wedding invitation to go to one of my favorite places on the planet. And yes it really is too bad so much of humanity’s decay will be there also right alongside me. Let’s hope I run into Oprah, she’ll bring up the goodness quota for all of them. I mean my invitation got lost in the mail anyway. We travel far too much to be sitting at the mailbox just waiting for a stiff paper invitation to arrive. 

 

And of course everyone who has received the invite told me what it says. “We’re excited for you to join us! We have one early request: please, no gifts.” Oh sure, now they tell me. I already purchased something on Amazon for them. Luckily it has free returns. 

 

So you want to know some of my favorite things to do in Venice? Oh I am only too happy to direct you! There is this small palazzo, Palazzo Contarini del Bovolo, with this insane, external, multi-arch spiral staircase. Well you need to go see it, because it will certainly fall into the Canal at some point and be lost. Actually speaking of which, it’s probably good you’re going to Venice because it all feels like it will just disappear soon-ish. 

 

Venice is absolutely sinking (pesky effects of rising sea levels). It is very vulnerable to flooding — you’ve seen those images right? Some experts predict that parts of the city could be underwater by 2150. But who cares about experts, I think it’s gone soon. Natural subsidence, groundwater extraction, tectonic activity, acqua alta (high tides) and storm surges. Forget it, it may not last the weekend! But that’s good advice for life — yes, go to the main wedding party. Never stay for the messy hungover morning brunch the next day. Nobody needs to see you like that. 

 

So you have a few choices — be annoyed by the protests or simply join them. Apparently they are planning to barricade the canals with boats, inflatables and even dinghies. I suggest joining the “No Space for Bezos” activists. They are based in the nightclub Laboratorio Occupato Morion (And here is the address: Calle del Morion, 2951, 30122 Venezia), which describes itself as an “anti-fascist, anti-capitalist, anti-racist and trans-feminist political” space. I mean, why not? That sounds like a perfect venue plus they sound like a riot! 

 

 

 

 

 

Well anyway, if that is not what you want to do, and the wedding guests have sufficiently annoyed you, then I have a great solution. Hop a boat (you know how now) and head to the islands of Venice. Technically the city has something like 118 islands. Some of the known ones, and ones I love, are Murano (take a glassblowing class, which I am terrible at), Burano (there are these gorgeous colorful houses to see but really what you don’t know you want yet is lace, and they have the most exquisite). And lastly Torcello. Some locals call it the mother of Venice. It was settled in the 5th century, and therefore is even older than Venice. Sixty people live there today. But go for lunch, scoot around and you’ll get a glimpse of what Venice was like before the cruise ships arrived. 

 

 

 

 

Back in Venice, my favorite museum is The Peggy Guggenheim Collection. She was a nut job, and wore the glasses to prove it. Those Black butterfly sunglasses. Her chicness is a lesson for us all. Truly this place I would say is one of the most important museums of European and North American art of the twentieth century in Italy. Full stop. And it is all located in her former home, Palazzo Venier dei Leoni, right on the Grand Canal. Now I know you already are in love with her, but I will add some extra sprinkles for you. Yes, Dame Peggy was a very passionate art collector  but she also had 14 Lhasa Apsos dogs. They traveled everywhere with her. And some of their names are Cappuccino, Peacock, White Angel, and Hong Kong. Her ashes are buried alongside them in her Venetian garden, which you can visit. And since you’re outside go see one of Yoko Ono’s Wish Trees she planted there. Actually since the series’ inception in 1993, Wish Tree has been installed in several cities around the world, including at Peggy’s house in 2003, receiving more than one million wishes altogether. 

 

You must be hungry? Don’t worry I have you covered. Now look, as the restaurant says, “you don’t arrive here by chance” — and yes they are right. I told you to go there, because you just would not find it in the many alleyways and confusing canals and tiny little squares. It is called Antiche Carampane — and yes I have told some of the wedding guests, so maybe you will see them there. But put on your Peggy sunglasses and ignore them. If Maureen Dowd can pull off an Anna Wintour sunglasses indoors look, well then so can you. 

 

The chefs shop the Rialto market daily and that is what you will eat. Mostly seafood based, very, very traditional but with a little twist to keep you intrigued. Don’t miss the “sarde in saor” (fried sardines marinated in a sweet and sour sauce), and then “baccalà mantecato” (traditional Venetian dish made from salt cod) to order as you sit down. Later you can ask about their wines and their incredible ​​cuttlefish that they serve with polenta. Butter, really it’s butter.  

 

And if you want more of an affair, well then book a half day cooking class with The Gritti Epicurean School. They will take you to the famed markets, see all the seasonal ingredients to shop and sample. And then you can go back with them and learn to do some of these ancient recipes. 

 

Of course you can also rent an aristocrat to come with you, to entertain you, if you so desire. This is a great occasion for it. 

 

 

 

 

Unlike the MAGA criticism of Lauren Sanchez’s attire at the Trump inauguration this year — with some calling it “obscene,” “indecent,” and lacking “class” — I salute her, she should wear whatever she wants. Plus I hope she does so again here in Venice. Because the city was in fact the capital of fashion for centuries –- with magnificent velvets, silks and lace. So let’s hope she brings some of that old world to her wedding celebrations. 

 

It does feel fitting because the city of Venice has always ignored the dictates of the church of Rome (oh-so-independent from the Catholicism of the time) with more freedom regarding laws on clothing. So think risque necklines, high-ish heels and some impossible hairstyles. And you can buy some of that for yourself, as I am working on right now. 

 

So in terms of shopping there are lots of famous Italian brands around Piazza San Marco. I would go straight to Atelier Marega for some unique Venetian creations. And then I found a few independent shops like DellaLuna for bags and Chiarastella Cattana‘s textile shop. Just don’t put all your eggs in one Amazon cart. 

 

And lastly you will probably ask me where to stay. Let’s hope you have a rich friend with a sinking Palazzo. If not, I love Aman Venice the most. It is set in Palazzo Papadopoli, one of the city’s eight monumental palazzos on the Grand Canal. And designed by genius Jean-Michel Gathy. Plus it has a private garden (so rare in this floating city). 

 

“No Plan B. Because Plan A is the only option” Jeff Bezos said famously. Well Jeff, think again. Because –- very lucky for me –- the latest is that after the wedding ceremony (the location and exact date remain secret) everyone will now have to go to a hall of the Arsenale, a vast 14th-century complex in the eastern Castello district. Hurrah, away from me. According to Reuters the hall is “surrounded by water and impossible to reach by land when connecting bridges are raised, thus considered a safer venue than Cannaregio’s Scuola Grande della Misericordia, which is a medieval former religious school.” Thank you to “No Space for Bezos.” 

 

Anyway, hope to run into you this weekend in Venice. MacKenzie Scott and I will be enjoying some cicchetti with a little aperitivo at a sub rosa bacaro and not even talk about the wedding. She knows all the hidden gems of Venice and she’s doing so much good in the world. Much more interesting.