13 Horror Movie Rules to Live (and Die) By
Home alone: You’re watching horror movies aren’t you? This is your primer
1 If you really must have sex — enjoy it. Intercourse, especially when it’s good, frivolous, or on a campsite, only leads to gory, naked death.
2 If you killed someone as a child or teen — even by accident — be prepared to die at either a prom or school party before you graduate.
3 Said person you killed (see #2) might not actually be dead, but rather mutilated and deranged and looking for revenge.
4 People really do carry around super-long machete blades and plan to use them for more than weed whacking.
5 If you fight with a killer (especially one with a super-long blade), you’re gonna lose. Just accept it now. (Oh, unless you’re the movie’s cash cow star and part of the franchise.)
6 You will likely be scantily clad (yes, even you gentlemen!) when the killer comes for you.
7 Zombies don’t run, but they will somehow outrun you anyway.
8 Women, if a man is trying to kill/capture you, he will definitely kill your good-looking, kind-hearted boyfriend first so you have even less to live for.
9 There is no such thing as being too afraid to scream, and you’ll die long before piercing cries destroy your vocal chords.
10 Any potential killer will be genetically blessed with super-strength and endurance, not to mention immortality.
11 Most of these killers in horror films are wacked-out men.
12 But there are some kick-ass killer women, too. And it’s okay to root for them if you want to.
13 There will be no happy ending. The best you can hope for is to live a life of extreme PTSD or being absorbed into an evil entity or spirit, both options often better than the lesser sequel.
