If you’re a grown woman or man, I think it’s safe to say that you have had your fair share of experiences with a “bad boy” or “bad girl”. They may be some of your best and worst memories — at the same time.
There is a scent put out by a wilder woman or a bad boy that is sexually compelling and intoxicating. Wildness and non-conformity are attractive. The bad girl/boy can be hard to pin down. They keep you a little on edge as they know all the right things to say (and do) to keep you around, yet find a way to keep you guessing. It’s a turn-on to chase someone who is sexy and giving a little (or just enough) of themselves but keeping some sort of mystery. It feels a little dangerous too, and there’s definitely an excitement to being with them.
You never have a full grasp of them, so you naturally want to know what’s up with this person. You are curious to play and get messy in order to find out how far you can take it with them — and it’s not all harmful, for a while at least. In the end, though, craziness, when that’s what it is, is invariably a disaster.
The hard part is discerning between an exciting, free-spirited, adventurous and fun person vs. someone who is just mad as a hatter. There is a blurry line, and a difference between a normal person with an edge and one having toxic behaviors. You may be surprised to find out that what was so mysterious and elusive is they are actually off their rails.
Now, you (presumably) wouldn’t go away with someone you know to be wrong/bad for you, but let’s say you’ve been blinded to this in the beginning and you find out while you are away together…
Firstly, before you get on a plane with someone, you should’ve already test driven the car, so to speak. Physically and emotionally. If you’re reading this before your trip, you’re going to want to spend a significant amount of time with them because the most normal seeming person can be a raging sociopath. The only way to find out one way or the other is to spend prolonged time with them. See how they react in different scenarios. Spend time getting to know their values. Pay attention to how they treat you and others.
If you haven’t slept with them… make sure you sleep with them before your trip! (Do you not listen to us?) Learn what you can at home, it’s easier than discovering problems away together.
Don’t judge the book by its (likely attractive) cover and hope your object of desire will be the best travel companion. Spend a weekend at their place, or take a short trip to a close destination. A place that isn’t a flight away.
Check in with yourself! Are you looking for someone to compliment you or to be you? What are your expectations and are they lining up? In a healthy relationship no two people are the same. See how you get along. Are they always picking fights? Are they water when you’re fire and vise versa?
I have listed some red flags below that will help you navigate the “bat-shit barometer”, a scientific measurement established by, um, well, us.
What’s a deal breaker for you?
What you can probably live with…
OCD A little bit of OCD with neatness may not bother you that bad. Especially if they clean your home!
Strange food habits Do they order everything on the side and have picky eating habits? Can be overlooked if they are great in other ways, especially in bed. Honestly, they can stack peas into Buckminster Fuller’s Geodesic domes for all you care, if they’re good in the sack.
Complainer If they’re the type to do something about it, maybe not so bad
Too much drama If It’s not self-inviting drama — just mild drama and not over the top — this may be nipped in the bud or something that’s manageable if they are not always consumed with it. I mean, see 2 above.
Helicopter parent At least they care about their kids, vs. being a parent that lets their children run wild.
WARNING! Bat-Shit Crazy Behavior!
Temper… Violent or dangerous towards anyone around you — this is really a red flag and not something you want to have to manage. You have my permission to jump ship. You’re welcome.
Excessive jealousy, in either direction Really not healthy, especially if someone is making you feel jealous when you are not normally a jealous person, or they are being jealous of you when you don’t normally provoke this. Big red flag.
Negativity If this is someone who is constantly insulting, rude or judgmental, well it isn’t going to end well, or even go very well before it ends! This is a sign of deep unhappiness, deep discontent, and these are the sort of people who drag you down to dark depths. I wouldn’t be able to stand being around that negative energy. Why would anyone want to?
Addictive personality This could be with anything, and it’s not an issue that one person should tackle, or feel obligated to. It’s different of course if you’ve been in a meaningful, long relationship with someone and they develop a problem – then you try to help them, you’re their partner. But when you’ve just met someone, and you discover this, run! Ask anyone who hasn’t. It’s always a horror story, never a happy ending.
Always the victim Or insecure to the point of always needing validation. This will be exhausting and it’s a buzz kill.
You are their everything very quickly Flattering, sure. Intoxicating, especially when the sex is wall-climbingly good. A salve if you are seriously insecure. But this usually means they are extremely needy or co-dependent, and it will suffocate and strangle you. Just run.
Shady behavior Someone who disappears, or their stories don’t add up. Don’t hang around to find out why. They are not saving the planet.
Now, if you are reading this while trapped on a secluded island with a raving looney, I’m guessing we didn’t get to you in time! So you only have two real options:
First, you decide to make the best of the trip. You choose to wait the trip out and you indulge in their madness — presuming it isn’t homicidal or hurtful. (Did we not mention the homicide potential — so you feel better, it’s not common…) You want to explore the sexual chemistry? In this case you’ll have to get on their crazy train and make the most of it!
You may decide this is not something you want to indulge long term, on the grounds that this particular mate is bat shit crazy – but in the short term, hell, it could work… In this case you want to just have fun during your vacay. You can always decide to cut ties and break it off when you get home. Best of luck!
Secondly, let’s say you are not really sure if you want to stay or leave at first, so you play along with the whole thing. Then you realize what they are doing and about, and you see it’s really not normal — at all… If they are definitely crazy, then escape!
Great sex notwithstanding.